oh dream, last forever won't you?
by quietdays
Summary: drabbles, fics, oneshots that involve shin soukoku. these fics are also on tumblr and ao3 under quietdays.
1. waiting for daylight to start

i wanted to break free and write something that makes me happy and the thing that makes me happy are akutagawa and atsushi napping together so.

* * *

within time, they learn how to be free.

atsushi learning that yes this happiness and comfort is here to stay, that yes he's allowed to live freely and not shackled to his past. akutagawa learning that even without strength he can be live, that he has long since received the acknowledgement of _his_ and that he doesn't have to be shackled with darkness.

they're learning. (not separately, oh no, they've long passed the stage of learning alone and now they're learning in company.) they make mistakes. they fight. everything's not perfect at all times but they're learning and they're happy.

(after all, light and darkness can exist together.)

within time, they learn how to be free.

they share an apartment together, along with kyouka. while the apartment has two rooms, the both of them opt to share a room together while kyouka can have a room by herself. sure, akutagawa can sleep on the couch or sleep on the floor of atsushi's bed like any other guest would, but atsushi feels guilty to do that to the other guy so apart from sharing a room, they also share a bed.

it feels rather domestic and atsushi isn't complaining. (though atsushi often feels cramped in his small bed since some nights, it's not only him and akutagawa sleeping but kyouka too.)

atsushi feels warmer and more safer sleeping near someone. sure, it's not the most comfortable of positions since his short legs often gets tangled with akutagawa's long ones, and often times atsushi wakes up sweating since the air conditioning isn't really the best, and often times he wakes up shouting which just leads to akutagawa waking up in a fit and just pulls atsushi and embraces him until they fall back asleep (when they were still first starting sleeping together, akutagawa nearly killed atsushi over the first time he violently woke up because of a nightmare). it's not comfortable, not in the long run, but it's nice. it's domestic. it's what the both of them needs after long years of not enjoying and not feeling this simple thing.

atsushi smiles softly as akutagawa throws a hand over him and pulls him close, their legs are once again tangled and they are both hidden from the world out there by their blanket, atsushi's fairly sure that they'll wake up sweating the next day but he doesn't mind and just wraps his arm around akutagawa too. he can get used to this warmth and safety.

(when they wake up the next day, akutagawa refuses to look at atsushi in the eyes while they make breakfast for kyouka. it's cute.)


	2. hazy love lies

i'm sad and my writing either reflects or is literally the opposite of my sadness. idk which is this if i have to be honest. also. i have no clue on what im doing.

* * *

he sits and contemplates.

it was not like him to sit and contemplate so deeply, it was not like him to waste energy on such petty and little things. he wasn't so sure why he was thinking _so deeply_ about someone that he hates and someone that never really gave him a reason to not to hate him. (akutagawa lies, the man tiger has given him countless of reasons for him to cease disliking him. one of them was helping him to start breaking away from _his_ shadow.)

he sits and contemplates.

perhaps he should actually do something productive rather than sit and think about the _pretty_ face the man tiger has. yes, akutagawa means that remark to be _scathing_ and to be an _insult_ , yet when he thinks of eyes like amethyst doused with gold that's seen what cruelty the world is capable of yet still sees how _fun_ and _good_ it still can be, the insult becomes something of truth. akutagawa cannot think of anything except for beauty when he sees the man tiger's breathtaking eyes clouded with anger as he leaps and attempts to land a hit on akutagawa. (atsushi does not at first, but the more they fight physically, the more he is able to land a clean and solid hit on the sickly man.)

he sits and contemplates.

what does he contemplate on? what does he need to contemplate on? what does he want to think about? is there anything left to think about? akutagawa thinks there is none, there _should_ be none other than the knowledge that atsushi is prettier and much more breathtaking than what akutagawa first thought about him.

yet, he can't help but feel there is something wrong with that knowledge. he feels as if he should not be thinking that atsushi is pretty and breathtaking. he feels as if he should not- _nay_ , never think that another boy is pretty, much less his rival.

he thinks about what he feels when he fights atsushi, when they banter, when they _work_ together under the same banner (not same values, but banner). he thinks about how he feels thrilled and exhilarated and filled with adrenaline and how he forgets most of the world when he fights with atsushi and when he fights atsushi. how he feels triumph and pride whenever he comes on top, and how he feels mildly satisfied when the other comes on top.

he sits and contemplates and thinks on grey hair that seems soft to touch, thinks about vivid and bright amethyst-gold eyes, thinks about a energetic yet often timid person who doesn't really want to fight, but forced to fight for his survival. he thinks about how atsushi and he are often the same and he thinks about what he feels about the other.

(perhaps, he may hold a different kind of affection when it involves the man tiger.)


	3. hide until tomorrow

this was prompted on tumblr!

* * *

"hey."

atsushi, still sniffling and crying and trying to calm himself down, did not hear the kid trying to catch his attention. he was still a bit unstable since he can't quite still believe at what he did. he presses his face into his knees as he thinks about what he just did. _oh god_ , did he really run away from the orphanage? _oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god-_

 _"hey!"_ a kick to atsushi made him sprawl over the ground. once he's fully okay, atsushi looks at the guy who kicked him in both confusion and anger.

"what was that for?!" atsushi sniffed as he looked at the boy that looks a bit pale and a bit frail but definitely around atsushi's age.

"you were in my place."

" _you didn't have to kick me!"_

 _"_ you were not listening to me." the other boy sighs, and atsushi can't help but look at him in fear. (it has been something sort of an association you see, when one of the elders in the orphanage would sigh, it would directly follow something exceptionally unsavory for atsushi) "you're new here, aren't you?"

atsushi perks up at the question, slightly relieved that nothing unsavory happened, "s-so what if i am?" he answered, not helping his stuttering, "it's not my fault!"

"that's what they first say." the other boy sighs again, and atsushi tenses up. "rough family?"

"orphanage."

"ah." the other boy silently regards atsushi, making the silver-haired boy tense even more. they stay like that for a moment, the other boy looking at atsushi and atsushi just desperately trying to not cry even more. "you have pretty eyes."

that surprises atsushi, and even the other boy (perhaps he did not mean to say it out loud?). atsushi feels his cheeks warm and redden and there was also a splash of red in the other boy's face that contrasts his pale skin nicely.

"i-" atsushi stutters out, now fiddling with his thumbs and not quite nervous as before, "thank you."

"y-your welcome." the other boy coughs out, his cheeks darkening. if atsushi peered closer, he'd see that even his ears are turning red. "i'm akutagawa ryuunosuke."

"atsushi nakajima."

they stay silent for a few moments, their cheeks no longer red. they stay like that, atsushi sitting on the ground looking at akutagawa and him standing over atsushi looking at him.

it was really _really_ awkward. (in the future, when the two of them are adults and when the two of them leaves each other, they'd fondly and regrettably recall this meeting of theirs. both would think _why_ and both would wish to come back to old times.)

"do you-" akutagawa rubs his head, "do you maybe want to come with me?"

atsushi brightens up at the other's invitation. he was a bit scared that he'd end up lost and would wound up going back to the orphanage (which he really _really_ did not want to do, and perhaps the orphanage did not want him to come back too.). atsushi grins, for the first time in a few days.

"sure!"

(as he follows akutagawa, atsushi would not notice the faint red coloring the ears of akutagawa. his years with akutagawa was nonetheless really fun despite him not noticing the growing affection the other boy held for atsushi.)

(would the two ever know that they would both end up as enemies? they would end up in different sides of the battlefield? did akutagawa think of this when he joined the mafia without atsushi's knowledge? did atsushi know of this when he joined the agency?

did the two of them think that their friendship and perhaps their innocent affections with each other would take a dark turn like this?)


	4. falling from the skies above

i'm always a sucker for first dates so here i am crying as i write for these nerds.

* * *

if you told atsushi a while back that in the near future he'd be going on a date with someone that hates his guts and that's trying to maim atsushi in search of recognition from his former mentor he'd probably laugh nervously and assure you that _no, nope, that'll never happen_.

if someone did indeed tell him that, then atsushi would now be eating his words because _holy shit_ he's gonna go on a date with someone that _used_ to hate him (keyword here: used, they're not that petty and full of anger anymore. what are they _teenagers_?) (though if you think about it, they were no longer teenagers when they were fighting and that's something atsushi chooses to ignore or tries to justify with the reason that they're _both_ emotionally stunted.)

that's why he was currently in battle with himself as he fiddles his fingers sitting _refusing_ to look at akutagawa straight in the eye, whom he was sitting across from their table at this tea house. partly from embarrassment, and partly because he'll get super flustered and probably would not be able to form a coherent sentence. sure, it's bad manners to not look at the person you're speaking to (and going on a date with) but it's even more bad manners to not talk to them properly so atsushi thinks he's justified with this decision of his.

"er-" atsushi tries to make conversation. he didn't really go out and date much but this was shaping up to be one of the most awkwardest dates he'd ever gone. he should've known to not accept dazai's offer to set him up on a blind date, he'd accepted partly out of loneliness (kyouka's starting to go to school so he's all alone again in his apartment) and he'd accepted because he trusted his coworker to set him up with a nice date. it wasn't that akutagawa wasn't a nice date but after a few years and months of fighting for something, there was bound to be a bit of awkward blood. not bad blood, they were past that, but definitely not good blood. "how are you doing?

"you've asked me that several times now, nakajima." akutagawa sighs, and atsushi slumps down. after a few months, akutagawa finally stops calling atsushi 'man-tiger' and just ops to call him his last name, very formal and stuffy but occasionally akutagawa slips and calls him his first name. "i quite understand that we were set up as a joke so if you'd excuse me-"

"wait!" before akutagawa can get out of his chair, atsushi suddenly stops him, surprising both himself and akutagawa. he fiddles with his hands once again as akutagawa returns to his seat. "er..- um, perhaps we can get to know each other?"

akutagawa merely raises an eyebrow, "if i can refresh your memory nakajima, you and i were rivals for some time now. we've only stopped because the port mafia has been dissolved and i'm partially part of your agency."

"yeah! i know that, you don't _have_ to remind me!" atsushi rolls his eyes, "though, we're not on opposite sides of the battlefield anymore. perhaps we can get to know each other? stop being these weird ex-rivals? it's a bit weird to see you in field you know."

"i... suppose." akutagawa agrees, "it's quite hard to work if you do not know if you can trust your coworker."

atsushi once again rolls his eyes, "that should be my line you know." he takes a sip of his tea and gets comfortable in his chair, he should perhaps get prepared for an afternoon of twenty questions and getting to know the person that he might've harbored affections for the few months he's been with the agency. (on the contrary, akutagawa is a decent person when you're not enemies with him or if you don't bother him.)


	5. love in my arms and the sun in my eyes

someone prompted me first kiss and i was all like **FUCK MY WEAKNESS** ,

* * *

the first time they kiss, it was the best.

* * *

it wasn't necessarily the best of all times since atsushi didn't really have anything to compare that kiss to, but now, since they're a bit more mature and they're a bit more _experienced_ , atsushi can without a doubt say that their first kiss sucked. (but it was sweet and great and the best, in a sense.)

atsushi still remembers their awkward kiss. how the first time they did it their noses bumped each other, and how flustered and excited atsushi was (akutagawa was also flustered and excited, but he'd never admit it). when they finally kissed each other, it felt like heaven and a bit like coming home. akutagawa's lips were soft and a bit chapped and both were gentle with each other, scared to make a mistake. the closeness and the intimacy was something that atsushi craved and something that he was happy about. at their closeness, he can smell the scent of akutagawa's, sweat and his mint shampoo. it was nice, it was good, and it was pure.

it was perhaps, the greatest five seconds of their lives. to just indulge in the intimacy of kissing and being kissed.

when they broke apart, akutagawa looked at atsushi in this dazed manner and atsushi can't help but turning red at the sight. was he looking like that too? oh god, that's embarrassing but akutagawa looks absolutely breathtaking and cute and oh my god-

"that was-"

"i know."

"do you maybe-?"

"sure." akutagawa shrugged then leaned to kiss atsushi square in the lips, in doing so startling atsushi and they both fell back on the bed, akutagawa on top of atsushi.

"you know, i feel like you should be in my place." atsushi says, looking at akutagawa's deep eyes, he still feels as if he can drown in those eyes. "since you're taller than me."

"shut up," akutagawa says before kissing the life out of atsushi.

(when akutagawa leaves the apartment that day to finish some business, atsushi _definitely_ _did not_ scream into his pillow for like an hour despite kyouka's claims.)


	6. blood rush in the hazy glow

do u ever just wake up in the future thats today, and wonder how the time had slipped away because

my weekends ending and im not ready to go back to school AND i still have hw. here's a short fic of my boys BEING SHY. AND HUGGING. and basically. fluff.

* * *

perhaps, it was not the best idea to engage in such trivial things with the enemy.

but as akutagawa knocks on the window of atsushi, he cannot help feeling a bit giddy that he's doing it. _of course_ , he feels guilty because what he's doing right now might actually break few mafia rules but higuchi's covering for him (albeit she did scold akutagawa a bit. the sickly man might be the superior to higuchi, but that doesn't mean her sister senses doesn't kick up often times), and he might actually be disturbing the man tiger's sleep but for now, he simply cannot care.

he's touch starved, atsushi's touch starved. that's his justification for this whole thing. (when he told higuchi of this, she just simply sighed and let him be. not like she can do anything about it, but akutagawa now holds higuchi at a higher respect ever since she rescued him.)

atsushi opens the window as he rubs his eyes, "akutagawa? it's like the middle of the night- woah!"

akutagawa lunges in, making the both of them fall to the futon. atsushi yelps as akutagawa grabs onto the man tiger like his life depended on it. he takes in the scent of atsushi, perhaps he took a bath before he went to sleep since he was smelling of strawberry shampoo and the tiniest hint of lavender.

akutagawa hears atsushi sigh though he pays no mind to it. the both of them really doesn't have qualms with this kind of intimate touch. the both of them _craves_ it in reality of only knowing the pain of touch.

this kind of gentleness- it's intoxicating in akutagawa's opinion and he knows better than to fall into it but at the same time _he can't help it_.

so there he is, in the middle of the night, clutching to his enemy, taking in his scent, and everything feels safe and nice.

"kyouka probably heard us fall." atsushi mutters as he starts patting the others hair. akutagawa's defenses fall even more as his eyelids start to get heavy. "she's going to ask."

"she's far too smart to do that," akutagawa mumbles in a voice that conveys his sleepiness. "i think she knows." (she does. akutagawa is certain that kyouka knows as he sees her glaring at akutagawa far more than what is necessary when they cross paths.)

"it's- you know what. you're probably right." atsushi sighs as he continues to stroke akutagawa's has and the other can't help but doze off. " _hey!_ don't fall asleep! it's- it's gonna be hard to explain in the morning."

"hush nakajima," akutagawa mumbles, looking at the shorter man with half-lidded eyes then touching atsushi's lips with a finger to tell him to shut the hell up. "i'll be gone when the sun rises. don't worry." and with that akutagawa falls asleep, using atsushi's chest as a pillow.

" _i know that but this position is uncomfortable as hell!_ _hey! are you even listening?!"_

(atsushi does fall asleep that night, his arms wrapped around the other. he can't help but take comfort from the warmth his supposed enemy gives him. though in the morning, he can't help but feel a bit cold since akutagawa really is gone when the sun starts to rise.

atsushi sneezes, "that bastard." atsushi mutters to himself, wrapping himself with his blanket, "he can't put a blanket over me when he leaves?")


	7. mid-life wasted youth

There are days where you dream.

Would dreams be a proper label to the hellish scenarios your mind can cook up during the rare times you give in to sleep's embrace? Would dreams be about you watching someone you _dislike_ be killed over and over and over again, and though you should be happy– there's just this sad, hollow and somewhat guilty feeling left in the bottom of your stomach.

You often awake with your hands grasping tightly at whatever fabric near you, ready to fight _someone_ (who? you find asking yourself. he is dead. there should be no anger left now.) , your breathing shallow and your head dizzy. Should you not be happy that he is dead?

Should you not be glad that he is no longer alive, as you have fulfilled your objective?

There is something wrong with this, you admit to yourself often times. There's something terribly wrong with the way you are acting just because the man tiger ( _Atsushi Nakajima,_ you remind yourself. _Atsushi Nakajima_ , often you catch yourself whispering his name to yourself during nights where you can't help but think back on long past distant memories) died. It was not as if you did not kill him, you did. You killed him as it was his wish and you gave him an honorable and merciful death that gave closure to the both of you.

There's-

There's something wrong and you can't quite place it yourself. Your mouth should not dry simply because you see something that reminds you of the tenacity in his amethyst-gold eyes. Your heart should not fall just because someone has mentioned his name. You should not worry and you should never dream of him as he is your enemy, and you have killed him fair and square.

Your nightmares should not be of him.

(Though, you can't help but wonder if killing him back then was the right decision. You can't help but think of his amethyst-gold eyes, no longer burning with hope nor tenacity, but only hollow, accepting death. You think of his body going limp and you standing there until someone from the mafia tears you away, lest someone from the agency sees you and tries to kill you.

Despite the man tiger being dirty, bloodied and bruised, you can't quite help but think that he is breathtaking. There's something inside of you wanting him to wake up. Something inside of you that refuses to believe he is dead, despite you the one delivering him to death.)

The taste of blood is metallic and bitter and you bite your tongue, _desperately_ not wanting to calm yourself down by repeating his name over and over again. You should no longer rely on him, he is dead. Let him rest. It's over it's over it's over it's over it's over it's-

You do not know when but slowly and surely, over the times you repeat thos phrases, they somehow morph into his name once again.

(the night is bad and you are shivering. you know how to endure the cold, to endure not having to go to sleep for the fourth time this week, you know how to endure many things but you do not know how to endure not saying his name. " _atsushi nakajima."_ )

Atsushi Nakajima is dead, and by god do you regret killing him.


	8. my hands, your bones

The thing is, everything is bearable. As long as you're still living, still somehow kicking and breathing, you count it as bearable. It _is_ bearable. You have to _believe_ it's bearable.

Though, there are times where you feel like you've already died, and this world, you're existence– it's just hell. It feels like hell sometimes. You know you shouldn't complain, you don't have the _right_ to complain and say that _hey, something feels off_. You don't have that right after years and years and years and years of deprivation, you don't have that right because so _many_ people suffered because of you. You're devoid of that right.

(But, it's something humans are just – they're just supposed to do that. It's nice really, being reminded that even if you're perhaps _dead_ you have to be, no nice things can happen to you, you're still human. Despite having a beast deep down inside of you, you're still human. Like the rest of them.)

Though– the times where you remember your past life, the life where you were useless, when you didn't have the right to live, when you were just _plain useless_ , not of any use to anyone at all, the times where your throat just closes up in anxiety, where you're having trouble to breathe and it _feels_ like you're drowning despite air being so close to you, when it feels like someone's out to get you at any moment, when you feel like nothing's worth it anymore, when you feel sick to the bone, and feel like the worst and feel like there's no point in continuing anymore – it feels like you're dead.

You fiddle with your fingers, something that keeps you calm when you feel dread sinking in your stomach for no apparent reason but just because – just because — you saw _something_ (it can be anything, a butterfly, a goat, a dog, _a child_ ) that reminds you of _them_. (Thank god chazuke isn't part of the things that remind you of them. Thank god chazuke feels and tastes like home and not of them.)

One, two, one, two, one, two.

You remember his words.

It feels funny for you actually, remembering something that someone who hates your very being. It's funny since that guy's been so dead set on killing you that it just may be his words that saves you from this horrible _dreadful_ feeling. He feels a laugh forming in his throat, he's not exactly still better, but he'll do well.

(The pain of your past has nothing to do with you anymore. You find yourself repeating these words when you feel like _it's_ coming. You find yourself finding comfort in these words, finding yourself writing it on your skin with a pen or your finger, finding yourself repeating these words when you wake up from a terrible nightmare or about to do something to save someone else's life never mind that you might throw your life away.

You grin, almost at the irony of you finding comfort in his words.

It takes one to know one after all.)


	9. dazzle me with gold

chuuya often swears that dazai often times looks like gold.

would it be because he's perhaps the most sought out person? with the ability to neutralize even the most dangerous of abilities? would it be because of the flecks of gold he sees in his eyes when the light hits his eyes at a certain angle?

chuuya doesn't exactly know why. he's not sure why he thinks someone as insufferable as dazai is like gold. he doesn't bother to think about it, doesn't bother to delve deeper about it, it's– it's natural for chuuya. he doesn't question it that much since chuuya _truly_ believes that even if dazai, his old partner, is annoying as fuck and arrogant as hell, he can't deny that he's as valuable, as pretty, as important and as bright as gold.

perhaps, nothing can change chuuya of his opinion that dazai was born of and is a real life person made out of gold.

(chuuya's hands and lips are dirtied and bloodied by molten gold. it stings, it's hot as _fuck,_ but chuuya doesn't care. he bathes in molten gold, savoring how it stings and feels.)


End file.
